Submission and security Submission and security Submission and security

Submission and security
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I have to say that of late, I have not been all that submissive. It's not because I am not submissive, or I don't want to be, or any other reason but one: I have not been asked to be submissive.

I suppose during our relationship, the evolution, and the ongoing, my submission was a very big part of who we are, where we go and most we connect. Oh, life goes on, and I suppose that is part of the why this is happening. Pressures from work, pressures from health and just being spread very thin and not working quite so hard on the home front.

How does that leave me feeling? I questioned that when I found myself rather floundering. What am I looking for, searching, wanting and certainly yearning for?

South Carolina

 This relationship is submissive
I did not come into this relationship submissive. I was a spirited and independent person who was more than able to solve the problems of my world. Not that I ever lost that. I suppose I added my submission. But it was that very addition that gave so much substance to who I am. To who we are. So what am I really missing?

When I looked, really looked – I miss the security of his control. There hasn't been much “stand over there, put your eyes down, wear this today.” The affection has not waned, nor the constant watchfulness, and we remain as devoted as always. I do not feel neglected or anything but cherished.

But I am missing the connection. The one that seems to come so naturally when I submit. With some embarrassment, with some feeble resistance and with a knowledge on both our parts that I will. I miss it.

I have to say it was not entirely easy to convince Gary this was not part of the menu and that I was not satisfied. But Gary always validates me and was finally able to see what I was saying, and more so, what I was feeling. And once he dug a bit deeper, he saw too what he was missing – and desiring.

North Dakota

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 Absence in dynamics
But even more startling, was his realization that he had not been flexing his dominance and that there is no room for that type of absence in our dynamics.

Gary's take on that was that no, it should never happen. It was his lack of noticing, his lack of picking up on my obvious hints, his lack of seeing that something more serious was coming. He feels things like this bump have absolutely no place within our relationship.

We have solved our problem and now are back to being sweetly Gary and Blush. And he knows that submission does not come with a hard here-and-now. It is to be eased into. And he is easing into it. And I am happily listening – and it's been a while.

Happily I can say that last night Gary was as focused and intimate as only he can be. He explained (as he did so long ago) that while I am loved, and pampered and spoiled, I am also to bow my head to him, am punished by him and accept his correction.

Never once in the past would I have thought this type of love relationship would become so very important to me. I guess I have just found myself supporting what I did not know before. And I do indeed need Gary to take me in hand.


 On making ourselves weak
Danor writes: Maybe it's just me who feels that needing submission makes me weaker than I'm comfortable with. Any thoughts?

I don't think it's just you. I've often felt the same thing – worried about becoming weak and dependent on someone who could be taken from me any day. However, I think there's a difference between being truly weak and choosing to be vulnerable. I've spent so many years perfecting the art of being strong in myself so I wouldn't need anyone that I'm ready for something different. For me, truly needing someone, opening myself up to hurt if he should go away, is a more daring adventure than any of the other things I've done.

It is, I think, an exercise in strength at a different level – an exercise in self-trust. When you truly need someone, he becomes part of you. In a Taken In Hand relationship, he may become part of your discipline and self-control. In order to give over this part of yourself, you must trust your own ability to grow it back if you should lose it.

In all my years of strong independence, I never experienced the sweetness of trusting another person to take care of me. It is frightening, because I have laid my defenses to rest. Yet it's wonderful, because we face the world as one; because our closeness and trust is incredible. He does his best to guard me from every contingency; yet we both know that if worse came to worst, I could pick myself up and go on. I trust myself to survive the hurt to which I have opened myself up.


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 Can I afford to need this?
This post raises a question that I've been thinking about a lot lately, and which some other posts, specifically this one by Sarah Cavendish, dealt with to some degree. Sarah said: Any time your happiness depends on someone else doing something they often don't do, you are going to be unhappy.

Is it healthy to need someone else to do something for you in order to feel happy and fulfilled with who you are?

I don't always get what I "need," in that sense. I'm more submissive than my boyfriend is dominant, and we go through long stretches when he exerts no control over me. I get in itchy moods where I think the ideal resolution would be for him to spank or otherwise dominate me into submission. In the mood where I'd need to ask, he wouldn't think of that, and if I could ask for it, I would already be in the reasonable frame of mind it would hopefully achieve. So it doesn't happen.

If it did happen, I could say that when I'm in such a mood, I "need" him to take control. As it is, he doesn't, and the world keeps turning, and I deal, or I don't, and get cranky and pissy and ruin a couple of hours.

The thing is, I consider that my failure, not his. Any situation where I can't handle my own emotions without help from someone else is due to a character flaw in me. I couldn't handle a total commitment to being taken in hand, because that would mean having a 24/7 crutch for my need instead of having to work on myself so that I can cope gracefully when I don't get what I "need." And then what if something happened? Suppose my partner left me, or died? Suppose he constantly treated me with contempt and emotional carelessness, or selfishly took advantage of my devotion, and I couldn't leave because I needed what he gave me? I refuse to let that happen.

I'm not saying it's easy to be emotionally self-sufficient, because God knows I'm not; I regularly melt into a pile of tearful emotional goo and demand to be mopped up by all my friends in turn, not to mention my poor boyfriend. But I can cope with these bad times by myself, and I don't mind being left to do so; I pull myself together quicker if no one offers to help me, in fact, because I know it's better when I'm pulled together.

Maybe it's just me who feels that needing submission makes me weaker than I'm comfortable with. Any thoughts?


 It's in the mix...
Melanie has said this well. When you choose to be vulnerable, it's a new experience. It is not being weak. I am not weak. In fact I'd say we probably often we float on my strengths.

It is there for me but also for both of us.

Now, let me say again, I am not a submissive woman.

I am submissive to Gary, very much so.

In fact when he wasn't asking for it, I missed it very much.

But that did not stop me from being me, enjoying life and carrying on.

I did complain and ask to have my submission attended to.

But this brings up a question that Gary asks often.

And that is this: Which is more important to you. Is it more important to you to be Submissive. Or is it more important to respond to Dominance. And interesting dance, but different for most. For me, I need to respond to his Dominance and allow myself to respond to his control with submission. For us it's in the dynamics. I could not be this way for any other man, nor am I allowed to. But for Gary, it makes us so much more 'above it all'. Almost in a heavenly way......Blush


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Opgericht: 11-05-2022
Gewijzigd: 04-02-2023
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